• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to footer
 847-495-6000
  • Facebook
  • LinkedIn
  • Twitter
Libertyville Divorce Lawyer, Lake County

Libertyville Divorce Lawyer, Lake County

Former Assistant Attorney General

  • Home
  • About Us
  • Attorney
    • Ronald L. Bell
    • Ronald L. Bell Media
  • Practice Areas
    • Family Law
      • Divorce
        • Uncontested Divorce
        • Same-Sex Marriage & Family Law
      • Child Support
      • Spousal Maintenance
      • Post-Decree Modification
      • Domestic Violence
      • Prenuptial Agreements
      • Child Custody & Visitation
        • Child Removal
      • Marital Asset Division
        • Non-Marital Property
        • Divorce with a Business
        • Disputes Over Personal Injury Proceeds
        • Division of Retirement Accounts
      • The Divorce Process
    • Personal Injury
      • Personal Injury Information Center
      • Truck Accidents
      • Pedestrian & Bicycle Accidents
      • Motor Vehicle Accident
      • Car & Motorcycle Accidents
    • Drug & DUI Defense
      • DUI
      • Drug Possession
      • Domestic Battery
    • Medical Malpractice
      • Failure to Diagnose Cancer
      • Birth Injuries
    • Business Law & Litigation
  • Reviews
    • Case Precedents
    • Photo Gallery
  • Forms
  • Blog
  • Contact Us

#1 Predictor of Divorce

You are here: Home / Divorce / #1 Predictor of Divorce

October 10, 2014 by Law Offices of Ronald L. Bell

Baffled by your spouse’s request for divorce…did not see it coming? Dr. John Gottman, a foremost expert on couples studies from the University of Washington with twenty years of research under his belt, concludes that there is a way to predict divorce. In fact, based on his studies, the best predictor of divorce is when one or both partners show contempt in the relationship.

Communication between couples can be uplifting or really bring you down. Contempt, the flip-side of respect, is often expressed by negative judgement, criticism, sarcasm toward another individual – in this case, you or your spouse, or both. There are four major types of communication which, intentionally or unintentionally, reveal contempt, which are warning signs in a relationship.

Using “you” language directives in statements such as “you are…not good enough” and “you should…pay attention” are directives that convey negative judgement or criticism. Most people do not like being judged or told what to do, so these statements easily arouse defensiveness and resentment. Better to stick with the old gold standard “I” messages we learned growing up.

Universal statements such as “you never…follow through” and “you always…forget”, are expressions that generalize a person’s character or behavior in a negative way. The speaker is trapped in the mindset that the listener is doomed to error and the recipient of the criticism is actually discouraged from making changes.

The ‘tough on person, soft on issue” communication, takes the undesirable behavior out of the equation and directly attacks the person instead. The preferred, “I need your help today” turns into “You are so lazy”. The use of “you” statements and universals get tangled up in the mix, and the recipient’s resentment and hurt soars.

Finally, the last straw and predictor of a split, is invalidating your partners emotions. Couples can easily spot the feelings of their partner, but if the marriage is unraveling our response to our partners emotions, whether positive or negative, may be to discount what they’re feeling by belittling, minimizing, ignoring or judging. For example, “you’re blowing this way out of proportion” is a common lament or “I don’t care – you dont know what you’re talking about” dismisses a partner’s concerns outright. Once invalidated, a person tends to throw up barriers leading to further breakdowns in communication.

The #1 predictor of divorce is contempt in communication. If you or your spouse is trapped in a cycle of negative talk, it may be a sign of trouble. The good news is that as long as there is a willingness to change between partners, improvements can be learned quickly and applied immediately.

Source: Psychology Today, “The #1 Predictor of Divorce (and How to Prevent It)”, Preston Ni, M.S.B.A. in Communication Success, March 3, 2013

Category iconDivorce Tag iconChicago divorce,  divorce papers

Footer

Child Support Calculator

Calculate Support

Search

Ron Bell wrote the book on Divorce in Illinois. Click here for free copy.

Divorce Book Available on Amazon

Ronald L. Bell & Associates P.C

Divorce Attorney

1113 S. Milwaukee Ave. Suite 204
Libertyville, IL 60048
Phone:  847-495-6000
Emergency Phone:  847-702-7502
Fax: 847-495-6001

Directions

Ronald L. Bell & Associates P.C. represents clients in Libertyville and throughout Northern Illinois, in areas including Chicago, Naperville, Vernon Hills, Gurnee, Barrington, Buffalo Grove, Deerfield, Fox Lake, Grayslake, Highland Park, Bannockburn, Lake Bluff, Lake Forest, Lake Villa, Lake Zurich, Lincolnshire, Lindenhurst, Mundelein, Waukegan, Zion, Crystal Lake, River Woods, Deer Park, Round Lake, Palatine, Rolling Meadows, Inverness, Prospect Heights, Arlington Heights, Schaumburg, Lake County, Cook County, McHenry County, Dupage County and Kane County.

© 2021 · Ronald L. Bell & Associates P.C. All rights reserved · Disclaimer · Privacy Policy · Sitemap · Log in · Return to top